I'm Still Alive

So at what point do you just give up from sheer embarrassment at the length of time between posts? (Just asking for a friend... is 14 months too long?)

Well, hello.

Hello, friend.

It's been a minute. I'm still alive. 

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I'm not sure where to begin. I technically wrote the first version of this post at the end of 2022, but decided not to publish it as I had no clue when I would post again. I really dislike posting once every 6 months, or 2 years, and I wanted to provide some consistency if I was to return. I've been itching to get back into writing again. So, please take the fact of me posting this as a promise to try and provide some consistent posts moving forward into this year. (I mean, we're already in March, but hush.) I've been scurrying around finishing up a handful of drafted posts so I can actually back myself this time, in case I get swamped by life again. 

Part of the reason I can feel semi-confident to keep my word this time is because I've cut back on my work hours this year, to have time for things like this. And my own sanity. Because that deserves a bit of my time, too. ;) (Oh, and time for theatre, not going to lie.)

I guess I'll start by summing up how 2022 disappeared. (I wrote one post in January, and then vanished, ha!) That year got tangled up with working around 37 hour weeks, faithfully going to singing lessons (and loving it as much as ever), learning first jazz dance then modern jive dancing, doing music gigs, and musicals. There were many emotions felt over the course of that year. It started out difficult (imagine you ask your community theatre to do one of your dream musicals - Little Women - and they put on said dream musical, but because of government mandates you are not allowed to participate, so you stand by and watch other people perform it). A lot prayer of requests for grace, which lead to helping backstage for said dream musical once the mandates were lifted (but the show was already cast and well into rehearsals). It was very humbling and powerful, to LITERALLY shine a spotlight on the cast onstage, and mic all the performers for every show. A show that I wanted to be a part of with every inch of my being. (But that's a whole other post... which will be coming later.)

And then, a new opportunity. Another musical; perhaps not a favourite, but a well known one. I auditioned, more for the sake of not letting this opportunity go by with regrets, and for practice. I was confident I had completely bombed it afterwards, as my nerves had made my voice shake. (Even though I knew I had told a story well, the perfectionist within me waved it all away with the excuse of failure.) 

I got the call. I was in! I was cast in Mamma Mia! An ensemble member (and later found out, hand picked by the music director out of around 35 people to be a group of 8 for a small vocal group; the only ensemble (with a cast of 50+) to be given a mic and three extra songs). I laugh now, when I look back and remember how I thought being an ensemble member would be a breeze after playing the role of Anne. Little did I know, I would have to learn twenty songs, and multiple dances, and what felt like endless harmonies.

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A lot of growth took place within those few months. (Plus a lot of imposter syndrome, in every way, shape and form imaginable.) The theatre company was a lot bigger and higher-standing than the previous one I'd become a part of, and I travelled over an hour both ways for rehearsals three times a week. (Which meant on a Monday and a Wednesday, I'd travel 45mins to work, work an 8 hour shift, drive 45 mins back, eat dinner in 10 mins, and drive 1hour 10 mins to rehearsals, rehearse from 7-10pm, then drive 1 hour 10 mins back.) Oh, and work the next day. Like I said, crazy. But a whole lot of fun. Mamma Mia! was like a 2.5 hour party onstage.

There was an ongoing journey with healing, grief, and the craving to know God in more infinite and deeper ways. A longing for His church and a caring community. 

By the end of 2022, I was at a bit of a loss. I loved my life and wanted to start from scratch all at the same time. How does one find balance? To continue working and growing, to pursue what you love and sets your soul on fire (in my case - singing, dancing, acting, theatre, music), to grow closer together with others, study the Bible with fellow believers, sing songs of praise and worship, move your body daily... and yet somehow still have time to potter around the kitchen late into the evening, with the soothing tones of Michael Bublé playing on Spotify, or tickle the ivories and make sure you don't lose a skill that was sorely obtained? 

I wanted to have time to just sit, and think, in my daily schedule. Cuddly our little baby bunny. Look at what my little sister made that day or watch what new sports trick my little brother could do.

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So I decided to drop my work hours. Nothing major, but it was an exciting milestone for me. After tossing it over in my head for a year, I finally sat down with my boss. I do love my work place, I love what I get to do, but I was not ready to commit even more of my life and energy and time to it. I now work four days a week, most of which I am in charge of a local head office (which makes me endlessly happy, mostly because I can choose the background music based on whatever mood I'm in). (I know, it's the little things.)

Some people would think I'm going backwards. That I'm crazy for not accepting a higher position in the company, or pursuing to climb the ladder. But that's not for me. Not at this point in my life, anyway. At the end of the day, the most precious commodity we have is time. And I knew if I looked back in twenty years, I would not regret taking care of myself, loving others well, and being happy and fulfilled with my life. On the other hand, I knew I would regret spending even more hours at work if it meant I was unhappy, burnt out, and empty (even if the numbers in my bank account were big and shiny).  

So here's to a fresh start. Here's to taking care of yourself, your body, your mind, and to taking care of others. Here's to living your life the best way you know how, regardless of the many voices telling you to do more. Here's to slowing down a little, so that you're ready when the fast days come. Here's to filling up the cup, so that you're not running on empty. And here's to you, wherever you are right now. If you've been running on empty for a long time like me, here's your invitation to slow down and know that you have a choice. You can rebuild your life if you have to. It doesn't need to be one huge decision (although it can be). It could just be a lot of small, baby steps, that lead you to a healthier version of yourself. I hope you value yourself enough to do that.

Until next time. Xx (Which I promise won't be in two years.)