Of Pain and Purpose

If you were to ask any of my friends to describe me, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them would say "talkative, enthusiastic, laughs a lot..." My personality is bubbly and I like to look at the world through rose coloured glasses, if I can. But some days, my heart is heavier than most people would think. 

2020 has wrecked me, in some ways. It has broken apart a lot of the carefree and lighthearted spirit I used to carry around. I am still cheery by nature, but there is a part of me, deep down inside, that is now a little heavier, a little more serious than it ever used to be. I guess it's part of growing up. 

There have been obvious challenges this year - fire, floods, drought, a pandemic, etc - but I have also faced personal challenges. Rejection, lost opportunities, battles with depressive spirals, crying and praying over friends struggling (especially with mental illnesses), seeing all the hurt and grief in the world, losing a friend... it's been hard. And painful. But through it all, I've also grown closer to God, and run into His arms quicker than I ever have before. I've cried and prayed and cried again, and wrestled unceasingly with questions, begging God for answers. 

For when hardships come around, questions will follow. When pain flares up, purpose is brought into our minds. 

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Earlier this year, I experienced grief in a different way to what I ever have experienced before. I lost a friend in a freak accident. She was only young; seventeen, with supposedly so much life ahead of her. I look back at group photos and still can't believe that she was the first one to go home and meet her Maker. I knew so much peace, though, with the knowledge that she was with her Saviour. But the questions came at me, nagging me, from all sides.

That dear girl was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Her gentle, thoughtfulness always amazed me, and even though she was younger than I, I learnt a lot from her quiet, kind ways.

Wretchedly, I would look at myself and think, "why not me, Lord? She was so much kinder, sweeter than I... she didn't deserve to die. I feel so much less than her; I don't deserve to be the one left behind. Why didn't you choose me instead?" 

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Later on this year, I then heard of a young couple in California, YouTubers I sometimes watch, Marcus and Kristen, being in a freak accident, where someone purposefully mowed them down with their car while they were peacefully riding their bike in the neighbourhood. Over and over, doctors and onlookers said "they should have died" because the accident was so horrific and incredible. But they survived. They had dangerous injuries and months' worth of rehabilitation and re-training to be able to walk and live the way they used to live, but they were alive. And NO ONE could tell them how they had survived it, or only why their legs were broken and injured. They literally flew 50 feet into the air! 

But they knew how. 

"Jesus saved our lives", they told everyone.

And I was reminded, yet again, that we're not balancing on this tightrope of fate, not sure if we'll wobble off and perish or skillfully make it to the other side. We're securely, safely, held in God's hand. We forget that God is literally in control of our lives, and if it's not time for us to go home, then He won't let us. But if He knows best, even when we think WE do, then He'll call us back to Him when it's time, just like He did with my sweet friend.

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So no matter how vulnerable or worthless we may feel, we are on this earth for a purpose. And if you are still living and breathing, then God is not finished with you yet. 

God's plan for us is enveloped with His love, and we know that He is good, and His plans are good. And "I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 38-39)

We can walk through pain with Jesus, and we will come out of it with Him, grounded in the peace and purpose that He has for us. <3

Mini Movie & Book Reviews + What I've Been Up To

Hey friends! 

Well, the title says it all, but I thought I'd give you a highlight in different aspects of my life from the past few months. It's the little things, you know. :)

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Books I've Read

• "Rhythms of Renewal" by Rebekah Lyons

This was a fantastic read! For anyone who has struggled with the feelings of overwhelm or anxiousness, this book is a life-send. It has four different 'rhythms' - rest, restore, connect and create - to steer towards a life filled with peace and purpose. I loved how practical it was (SO much great, practical advice!), how life-giving and inspiring the message was, and also that it was very Christ-centred as well. Highly recommend!

• "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper

Perhaps a slightly less easy read than the others, but definitely worth it. Piper writes with clarity and strong conviction, and I came away very challenged, and also re-inspired to live my life in a deeper way for Christ, and not for myself.

• "Romanov" by Nadine Brandes

(The only piece of fiction in this list - shocking!) This was a book I won in a giveaway put on by the authoress, and wow, the cover alone was enough to send me in raptures! (But also, free book mail? YES PLEASE.) I really enjoyed it! At first, it lagged a little and I hoped it would quicken up, but once it did speed up, I couldn't turn the pages fast enough! I thought the ending was great (though very unbelievable, but I do believe that's why it's called fantasy ;)) and I will definitely read it again at some point.

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• "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis

Ehh, this wasn't as good as I'd hoped, to be honest. I'd heard great things about it, and while it was easy to read, I didn't get a lot from it. While I liked the idea of the book, there was only one chapter that stood out to me ("I should be further along by now"). It did motivate me again to really pursue the dreams placed on my heart, but that's about all the book did.

• "Bread and Wine" by Shauna Niequist

Ohhh. *hugs this book* I LOVE LOVE LOVED this book. Just, perfection. <3 I don't know if I'll actually make any of the recipes (ha!) but I genuinely loved just reading about it and picturing it. She writes in such a soothing way, with such gentle tones; this is literally comfort food in a book.

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Movies I've watched

• "Hidden Figures"

Excellent movie! It was well-woven together, and I really appreciated the message it shares, showing us how poorly people (particularly women) of colour were treated, and the racial injustice that they have had to fight, and that they are still fighting. I admire those women a lot, and I think the movie did a good job portraying their stories. (Also, their SASS. I love it!)

• "Love Never Dies" (2012)

This was a recording I saw during lockdown (a limited time free viewing) of the Australian production in 2012, starring Ben Lewis, Anna O'Byrne and Simon Gleeson (who I saw live in the role of Jean Valjean in Les Miserables back in 2015!!). It's a filmed stage production. I actually hadn't heard or seen this story before, and my feelings are rather mixed. On one hand, there were some gorgeous songs (I mean, "Love Never Dies", anyone? That's enough to inspire me to learn opera!) and it was definitely intriguing, but morally the story is pretty sketchy, and it seemed inferior to Phantom of the Opera. (Also, the plot holes annoyed me.) Anna was stunning though, and her voice is scrumptious.

Still can't get over how beautiful she is.

• "The Parent Trap" (1940)

Finally got to watch this one! Hayley Mills is always lots of fun, but I must admit, the 1998 one has my heart. My favourite part in this one (which the newer one doesn't have) was when the twins sing "Let's Get Together", because I personally think almost any movie is improved upon with singing. ;D

• "Mamma Mia"

This was a lot of fun! It's ridiculous, high-energy and complete nonsense, but sometimes, that's just what one feels like! ;) The story is quite shallow and the plot revolves around behaviour and values I do not in the lease condone, but if you can get past that, the music is fun and the setting is beautiful. (And now I really want to go to Greece and start a hotel on an island!!)

• "Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again"

This was one of those sequels that are at least on par with the original, if not better. If you like Mamma Mia, then you're bound to like this one. Again, morally it's quite dreadful but the music is fun, and Lily James is awesome. (Also, was anyone else quite amazed at how much Amanda Seyfried had aged in 10 years??) It's particularly fun how they have all of the exact same cast 10 years later. 

Just casually dancin' on a boat

TV shows I've watched

• Lego Masters

This is a kind of reality TV show (and yes, I know, reality TV shows are not everyone's thing which is totally fiiine) and it's SO FLIPPIN' CREATIVE. I'm no Lego fanatic, but this was a really entrancing show. The contestants have such incredibly creative and skillful ideas and create such beautiful masterpieces and stories and just WOW. This was a family favourite!

• Emma Approved

I have heard SO many good things about this, so I started watching it on YouTube the other day... and please no one hate me, but I actually found it... kinda boring? I have limited screen time, and it didn't sell it to me to spend hours watching it. It was quirky and fun but I'd rather read a book or watch a musical to be honest. ;) Perhaps I should stick with it for a bit if it improves further on?

• Paramedics/Ambulance

Two of my all-time favourite TV shows to watch. It's a show where they film on-the-job paramedics and first-responders solving any scenario they're given in their jobs. I've often said in another life I'd be a paramedic haha (I still think it'd be amazing, but practically speaking I don't think I'm cut out for the job) and I find it absolutely fascinating. I have an even deeper respect and admiration for emergency workers, and it inspires me to live my life more selflessly, loving and helping others.

I mean, wearing those cool clothes alone sells it for me

• The Voice Australia

Okay, again, another reality TV/talent show, which I KNOW isn't everyone's favourites. But seeing as I'm so passionate about singing and vocals, I love certain aspects of this show. I always thought the blind auditions were a great concept, and I love hearing their coaching sessions and different styles of singing. I find it inspiring. (I also dislike certain parts of the show that are so obviously staged and there are some suspicions of the competition being rigged, but for me the pros outweigh the cons.)

Fun Things I've Been Doing

Play rehearsing

Obviously, I'm always involved in some way or another with theatre, so during lockdown I wrote a new play plot line and brain stormed some ideas for potential original musical songs, and also began rehearsing for the current play my siblings and I are doing. It's been extremely fun and I'm so pumped to perform it soon! It's going to be so great!

Mountain climbing

During the lockdown, I craved two things (aside from a normal social life because that's a GIVEN, haha): the beach and mountains. As soon as the lockdown lifted I knew those were two things I wanted to run to. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting to properly convince my family to come to the beach with me, but I have at least been able to climb a few mountains! And it's SO refreshing! The fresh air alone is enough to make me almost want to cry happy tears. Oh, adventure, how I've missed you.

Hosting a Grand Dinner

Way back in May, it was my parents' 35th wedding anniversary and we were stuck in quarantine, like the rest of the restless world. I knew I wanted them to have something special for the occasion, so I imagined up the best version of a date night we could give them. 

After daydreaming of a romantic Italian style dinner date, we ended up with a slightly less romantic option, but one filled with a lot of love and simplicity. All five of us kids made an entree, main and dessert for the dinner, and we had a bouquet on the table, calligraphy name tags, around a dozen candles (so it was completely by candlelight), strings of fairy lights diagonally hung over the table, a crooning Harrison Craig playing in the background, and our best silverware. We kept everything a secret up until the very last minute, when we told them we were taking care of dinner. I'll never forget the squeals (both from my mother and all of us delighted children) of excitement when they lifted the curtain and saw the little Italian-inspired restaurant awaiting them. Naturally, we had to help them eat it, and we were a merry, chatty group of seven that night. That was one of my absolute favourite memories of this year.

Learning some Latin fusion Charleston and tutting

After only starting this year, I was very disappointed when my tap dance lessons were on hold for months. However, my awesome teacher and dance school gave us access to filmed lessons on every single class that they offer - anything from ballet to hip-hop. I decided to take a crack at some of the lessons while I still had the opportunity, and thus got to learn some Latin fusion Charleston dancing, and also recently learnt a quick little tutting segment. It was super fun!

Experimenting with belting

After working on the song "I Just Want to Be a Star" from Nunsense, my singing teacher and I have been playing around with the proper techniques to belting. What I have learnt so far:

1. It's not as easy as it sounds

2. It sounds absolutely dreadful at first

3. If you're doing it right, your abs will feel like you just did three minutes of solid crunches

 However, we're keen to learn how to do it in a healthy way, and get our belts on! 

Basically my face when my teacher is explaining the technique of a belt

Food I've discovered to be incredible

Chicken parme

A friend made me this when I visited her the other day, and my immediate reaction was "I know what I'm choosing for my next birthday dinner!!" :D :D It's very easy, quick and tastes diviiiine. You basically smother a cooked chicken schnitzel in minced garlic, some kind of tomato pizza/pasta sauce, break up some pieces of ham to put on top, and drown it in cheese. After a quick bake in the oven it comes out like a pizza on a schnitzel! I'm clearly still not over it.

Peanut butter mug cake

Um, this is heaven in a mug! Except apparently I can only take such edible perfection in small doses, because it took almost an entire two hour long movie to eat the entire thing. (If anyone is keen for the recipe, let me know, and I'll share it.) It's full of rich, gooey peanut buttery, chocolate chip goodness, combining sweet and saltiness to perfection. (Topped with a high amount of calories, naturally.)

Just gonna leave this here 

 Cheese toast

You know, I can HEAR you laughing. Okay fine, so cheese toast is like... really, Gabby, REALLY?? What's new about this?! But c'mon, I've actually never had cheese toast before! Specifically for breakfast. My dietitian was intent upon getting more protein into my diet, so now I'm eating a lot more milk and cheese. You guys, my dietitian TOLD me to eat more cheese! Could this get any better?! So right now, I'm incredibly happy about my cheese toast in the morning. Sue me.

Spaghetti carbonara with parsley and chives

This is just a slight tweak to a well-known recipe but it changes it dramatically! The other day my sister made spaghetti carbonara, and added chopped parsley and chives (fresh from our garden) and MY WORD. That just raised it up another level. Highly recommend.

Cinnamon buns

I must admit, though I did not join the quarantine bandwagon and start a vegetable garden or bake banana bread, I did fiiinally make cinnamon buns (sticky cinnamon buns, to be exact)! I used a recipe that used buttermilk so I didn't have to wait for hours to do the dough because heck, if this is for breakfast, I AIN'T GETTIN' UP AT 4AM. They were definitely a hit, and I hope to make them again at some point in the future.

 

These are some of the cinnamon buns I made myself! (I promise they tasted better than they look haha)

Lessons I've Learnt

Don't be so serious

I sometimes get caught up on doing everything "right" that I forget to laugh and have fun. And I can take myself (and others) too seriously. So especially in the last few months, I've been more unafraid to share my goofy side. As some examples, I've been doing a lot of goofy dancing at my tap classes while we wait in line to dance single file across the room, and just the other week one of my work colleagues and I sang Hakuna Matata while whipping up some meals in the kitchen. (We kept it classy by harmonizing too, obviously. ;))

I can make omelettes!!

One of the few things that sends a shudder down my spine and penetrates my soul: when I am working in the cafe kitchen alone and an omelette order comes through. A shriek rises up from the depths of my mind and-- okay, okay, so it's not QUITE that bad, but this is something I've avoided like the plague ever since working in hospitality. However, in the last few weeks I've been thrown in the deep end and had to serve up omelettes to customers and would you believe it... they haven't been half bad! Like, actually IN ONE PIECE. In a shape resembling an omelette. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.

Maybe someday I'll achieve the same omelette perfection as Remy.

I CAN drive in the city//I am a good driver

One of my biggest fears is driving. I'm not even sure why, but it freaks me out. I've grown a lot more confident over the past few years, but going new places - especially in the city - makes my heart rate spike and my legs shake and twitch with nerves (which isn't ideal when driving a manual and using the clutch, haha).  Just last week I did a significant drive by myself to a daunting suburb in the city and like, actually survived. And didn't even get beeped at! (Big tick.) It was a reminder that I am a good driver - I am safe and cautious and attentive. And I can do this.

Exercise is energizing

Hands up if you started out diligent and great with your exercise routine during quarantine and then slowly it's petered out? Yeah, me. I still do keep it up to some extent, but once work picked up and social life happened, I started making excuses. But what I always forget is how exercise, ironically, is actually ENERGIZING! And feeling "too tired" is actually a reason TO exercise, not avoid it. 

Take time to slow down and enjoy your life

Yeah, probably one of the biggest things I've learnt this year. I put a great deal more value on rest and slowing down, being intentional and enjoying the little things now than I ever used to. I used to get so caught up on the next big thing and kicking that goal, that I forgot to enjoy the here and now. I have been finding a lot more peace in the stillness, and contentment in the little peeks of sunshine in the everyday.

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And that's it for today! I realize this is actually a really long post, but whoops, once I got started I found it hard to stop...

Let me know if anything on this list jumps out at you, and what you've been up to/learning yourself!