Of Pain and Purpose

If you were to ask any of my friends to describe me, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of them would say "talkative, enthusiastic, laughs a lot..." My personality is bubbly and I like to look at the world through rose coloured glasses, if I can. But some days, my heart is heavier than most people would think. 

2020 has wrecked me, in some ways. It has broken apart a lot of the carefree and lighthearted spirit I used to carry around. I am still cheery by nature, but there is a part of me, deep down inside, that is now a little heavier, a little more serious than it ever used to be. I guess it's part of growing up. 

There have been obvious challenges this year - fire, floods, drought, a pandemic, etc - but I have also faced personal challenges. Rejection, lost opportunities, battles with depressive spirals, crying and praying over friends struggling (especially with mental illnesses), seeing all the hurt and grief in the world, losing a friend... it's been hard. And painful. But through it all, I've also grown closer to God, and run into His arms quicker than I ever have before. I've cried and prayed and cried again, and wrestled unceasingly with questions, begging God for answers. 

For when hardships come around, questions will follow. When pain flares up, purpose is brought into our minds. 

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Earlier this year, I experienced grief in a different way to what I ever have experienced before. I lost a friend in a freak accident. She was only young; seventeen, with supposedly so much life ahead of her. I look back at group photos and still can't believe that she was the first one to go home and meet her Maker. I knew so much peace, though, with the knowledge that she was with her Saviour. But the questions came at me, nagging me, from all sides.

That dear girl was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Her gentle, thoughtfulness always amazed me, and even though she was younger than I, I learnt a lot from her quiet, kind ways.

Wretchedly, I would look at myself and think, "why not me, Lord? She was so much kinder, sweeter than I... she didn't deserve to die. I feel so much less than her; I don't deserve to be the one left behind. Why didn't you choose me instead?" 

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Later on this year, I then heard of a young couple in California, YouTubers I sometimes watch, Marcus and Kristen, being in a freak accident, where someone purposefully mowed them down with their car while they were peacefully riding their bike in the neighbourhood. Over and over, doctors and onlookers said "they should have died" because the accident was so horrific and incredible. But they survived. They had dangerous injuries and months' worth of rehabilitation and re-training to be able to walk and live the way they used to live, but they were alive. And NO ONE could tell them how they had survived it, or only why their legs were broken and injured. They literally flew 50 feet into the air! 

But they knew how. 

"Jesus saved our lives", they told everyone.

And I was reminded, yet again, that we're not balancing on this tightrope of fate, not sure if we'll wobble off and perish or skillfully make it to the other side. We're securely, safely, held in God's hand. We forget that God is literally in control of our lives, and if it's not time for us to go home, then He won't let us. But if He knows best, even when we think WE do, then He'll call us back to Him when it's time, just like He did with my sweet friend.

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So no matter how vulnerable or worthless we may feel, we are on this earth for a purpose. And if you are still living and breathing, then God is not finished with you yet. 

God's plan for us is enveloped with His love, and we know that He is good, and His plans are good. And "I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8: 38-39)

We can walk through pain with Jesus, and we will come out of it with Him, grounded in the peace and purpose that He has for us. <3