Look Behind You

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I've had it on my heart of late to write something that will speak to people who are feeling tired right now. Not just in the physical sense, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

Is it just me, or does this time of year sometimes feel discouraging, when we look back and realize we didn't accomplish everything we set out to do at the start of the year? I know this year has restricted SO many of us in our plans, and I can relate to the disappointment and frustration that wells up. Initially, I thought 2020 had held me back on the experiences and knowledge and opportunities I thought I needed to pursue the life I wanted to live. It frustrated me that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make it happen. 

Yeah, you could say I'm a bit of a control freak. ;)

After complaining about the lack of opportunities, I finally was given an answer to prayer that I had waited two years for; a job as a receptionist. I was so blessed to be given a lovely workplace, colleagues, and work that I loved, and yet still things weren't perfect. Why?

Because I was terrified. I knew absolutely nothing about the job or the field of work (other than completing some certificates while in school and doing some data entry at other workplaces), and there were unbelievable amounts of information to learn. I was told it would take 6 months before I would even get a grip on things, perhaps longer. I hated feeling inadequate, like I wasn't giving anything to the team, or even worse, I was 'letting other people down' by making mistakes. (Yes, I've been working on getting a healthier mindset. ;)) 

It's a genuine struggle to persist at something you're not very good at. That you're totally clueless about. Especially when surrounded by a room full of people who seem to have it all together. 

The first couple weeks I had to keep telling myself not to quit, it would get easier. And then I would pray,

"Oh, Lord, PLEASE let it get easier."

A few weeks passed, and I still found it overwhelming. This time, I prayed a little different:

"Lord, please show me your presence strongly today. I need to know you are right there beside me. Please whisper in my ears when my hands are shaking and my stomach is churning. Remind me of your faithfulness in the past, and help me to trust in you again. I forget so easily, Lord."

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That day, I had the best work day I'd ever had at my new job. All nerves flew away, I was confident and eager to start my shift, and I had colleagues remark to me and say I seemed like I'd gotten so much more comfortable and confident in just a week, or even a day; that I was doing really well.

I wish I could say every work day was like that, but they weren't. There were some hard ones. There were some easier ones. It wasn't the work or the workplace so much as my own anxieties and pressure I had placed upon myself. A perfectionist mindset. The desire to please everyone. The idea that I could learn it all perfectly and quickly, only having to be taught once. (Yeah, that's cute, Gabby.)

While I was driving to work during one of the harder weeks, God reminded me of something:

"Look behind you."

So I looked behind - not at my rear-view mirror, but at my past. I had felt this scared before, when I first started work at my café job, back when I was in school. The people I worked with were perfectly lovely, and the role itself was not very hard. But man, was I scared. Absolutely terrified. Anxiety can take many different forms, but I do believe I had my own battle with it during those times. And yet, two years on, I feel very capable at my café job, and it gives me confidence in knowing that I am capable of doing at least one job well. I have come SUCH a long way, and yet it's so easy to forget. Without a second thought, I just assumed that this time around it was going to be different.

And you know, I let myself take it a step further. I asked what if?

What if my greatest fears actually took place? What if I failed miserably at my job? What if people were disappointed in me? What if I let the team down? And deep down, the one nagging at me...

... what if I messed up so bad, that I came into work one day and found out I had lost my new, precious job? 

Fear clouded my thoughts (and they still can, if I'm not constantly fighting those lies). I tend to place a lot of worth in my performance and what I can do for others, so if I am not able to give even half the amount that everyone else is giving, I feel so worthless and ashamed. 

So again, I brought this to my Heavenly Father and cried out to him with my deepest fears that had been ripping my peace apart and breaking my sleep and leaving me broken.

And tenderly, oh so tenderly, he reminded me yet again.

Gabby. Even if your deepest fears were realized, even if the absolute WORST happened, you still have everything you need. Even if you lose your job and you are filled with shame and disappointment, there is still hope. Because you have me. And that is all you'll ever need. You can lose all of it and still you cannot gain anything greater than what you already have. Everything you need is right here, and it's not going away. I will never go away. I will never leave you or lose you. There is always hope, because I AM.

And dear friend, it was as if all my fears melted away. The mountain I thought was blocking my path was actually just a little ant-hill that I could step over, because I had been lying flat on the ground, paralyzed with fear and unable to see with a clear perspective.

 Even if you lose 'everything', you still have all you will ever need, in Him. He is our Provider, our Comforter and our Protector. He isn't just with you on the days where you could shout for joy because of His many blessings, He is also with you on the days when you cry into your pillow every night for weeks on end. 

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You may be scratching your head, at the end of this, wondering how this applies AT ALL to end of year disappointments and feelings of exhaustion?

Simply because of this:

2020 was NOT how I pictured it and it ruined so many incredible dreams and aspirations that I had cherished for a long time, but it did not ruin my life. Not even close. What I thought I needed this year was about stage 3 in a process where I hadn't even gotten past the intro. God needed to do a lot of heart work within me this year, and He sure did. I did not survive this year (or starting this new job) because I'm so adaptable and perfect, but only and purely because of relying on God's strength and peace. 

It's still easy to look at this year and be disappointed with the dashed hopes, but remember that God doesn't waste anything. He gives you everything you need, even if sometimes that doesn't look like what you think it will. You can push through it because God's power is greater than our weakness. Remember that He is faithful. Remember that He always has been. Remember that He always will be. Remember that we have all we need when we have God's grace. 

And to close, I would like to write out some song lyrics that I really love and which I reflected over a lot during those difficult weeks. In the what if scenario that I would lose my job, I realized that my life would still go on. My family would still be there, music would still be there, the birds whistling in the trees would still be there, and God would still be there.

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"If the sky falls down and the river floods

All we got is all we want

The moon still pulls the ocean

My head still fits your shoulder

Long as vinyl records still make you dance

As long as there's a bigger plan

And every day is new

All I need is the grace of God and you."

("Grace of God and You", by Clare Bowen)

12 Delights of Christmas Tag

 Hello friends!

Today I have a scrumptious Christmas tag courtesy of Heidi (thank you for both creating it and tagging me!). I am SO excited to put forth a post filled with Christmas celebrations and glitter. Let's get to it!

from Heidi's blog :)

1. A favourite Christmas tradition?

Ohh, so many! But ONE of my favourites is that every year, we decorate our Christmas tree as a family, and Mummy and Daddy buy each of us children a new individual ornament for the tree and wrap it up for us to open, so we then have a special ornament to remember each year by... we have a lot of unique ones (no two are the same!) and we also have quite a compilation now! But I think it looks beautiful.

2. Say it snowed at your domicile, would you prefer to go out or stay curled up inside? 

Oh my, wouldn't that be a sight?! Snow in the middle of summer?! xD I'm sure many Australians wouldn't be averse to experiencing a white Christmas! I for one would probably choose to go outside for a short amount of time to squeal and throw snowballs at sibling-sized-targets, but spend most of the day cozily curled up inside. ;)

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3. Tea or hot chocolate?

Is coffee not an option???! Haha. Hot chocolate all the way! (But also... coffee. :D)

4. Favourite Christmas colours (i.e. white, blue, silver, gold, red and green etc)?

Ooohh, that's a tough one! I will go with white and gold. It's so beautiful and elegant.

5. Favourite kind of Christmas cookie?

HOMEMADE GINGERBREAD!!! Also, coffee shortbread. Absolutely incredible. (And I just realized... I'm not sure if you would count these as cookies?? But we don't really *do* cookies per se at Christmas time if you don't count these haha.)

6. How soon before Christmas do you decorate (more specifically, when does your tree go up)?

It has changed several times over the years - it used to be 1st December, then the passionate Christmas lovers bumped it up to mid November, and gradually it's been pushed even further back... but now I'd say, roughly mid November? We don't have Thanksgiving in Australia (at least, most of us don't) so there's not much to hold us back! ;)

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7. Three favourite traditional Christmas carols?

"The First Noel", "O Holy Night" and "Mary Did You Know?" (if you count that last one as traditional). There are so many glorious carols out there though!

8. A Favourite Christmas song (i.e. something you might hear on the radio)?

Ok guys, don't kill me for this one but Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is so fuuun! xD I love singing along to it! Granted, it IS overplayed, but it's still fun. A close second would be Michael Buble's "It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas" and Celine Dion's "Feliz Navidad". 

9. A favourite Christmas movie?

I honestly haven't seen a huge heap of Christmas movies, and a lot of the modern ones really aren't my thing, but "The Nativity Story" does have a special place in my heart. :) <3 

10. Have you ever gone caroling?

Unofficially, yes! I remember one Christmas our extended family (who are all very musical) decided to walk out on my grandparent's road where they had a huge Christmas light display that people would drive to look at, and we walked around and sang a few carols in a couple places, some with backing music and others acapella. I distinctly remember (this all being completely impromptu) that we spontaneously did a four or five part harmony on the final note of one of the carols (I think it was "The First Noel") and it was so exciting! Definitely one of my favourite Christmas memories.

11. Ice skating, sledding, skiing or snow boarding?

Hahaha.... ha... ahem... well, let's just say I've only done one of those four things, and that would be ice skating, and I am quite dreadful at it. I think perhaps in Australia it would be more accurate to say surfing, body boarding, swimming or cricketing? ;) But in a make-believe, dreamy snow world, I would choose sledding, please.

12. Favourite Christmas feast dish?

Hands-down the fancy Christmas dinner my mother makes every year with roast pork wrapped in bacon, and maple syrup marinate over the roast and the veggies. It's simply divine.

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Thank you so much for this tag, Heidi - it was so much fun! I'm tagging:

Katie

Eva

Miss March

... and whoever else would like to fill it out! :)

Have a fabulous day all, and blast those Christmas tunes! ;)

Spring Bucket List Check-off + Life Update

Hello all my lovely friends! 

Here I am, as promised, to check in and review how well I did with my spring bucket list! I must say, I surprised myself with how much I DID get done, but as you will see, it wasn't all of them. ;) 

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 - Learn "All of Me" by Jon Schimdt on the piano   I worked quite hard on this one, and can definitely play it fluently, but I'm still perfecting it, which will be a long process, I think. ;)

- Give flowers to a friend (didn't have the opportunity for this one, although I still want to anyhow!)

- Have all/most of my Christmas shopping finished by the time summer/December rolls around  I basically just have a couple little last-minute presents to get and I'm done! I'm so proud of myself, haha.

- Freeze fruit (such as grapes and bananas)  I froze a banana and loved it so much I did it three times! When grapes come into season I'll definitely try them, too. 

- Go for a long bike ride (it was genuinely too hot for this... it's been over 40 degrees the past couple weeks.)

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- Draw something spring-inspired  I didn't get to actually draw a proper picture for this one, but I did some intricate designs in my bullet journal that were definitely spring-inspired. :) 

- Cloud gaze (I literally tried so hard to do this one but we've literally just had clear blue skies for weeks xD)

- Drink coffee on the patio  This was no doubt the easiest, hehe.

- Dry some flowers (yeah, didn't have time and was also lacking flowers)

- Make ice cream (I did buy gelato twice on our beach trips though, hehe)

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- Freshen up my blog look  I completed this very early on in spring, and am quite happy with how it is right now. And frankly I don't have the time to re-do it again anyway. *cough*

- Add more cute summery dresses to my wardrobe  Definitely didn't get as many as I'd hoped, but I do have some lovely new things in my summer wardrobe!

- Photograph nature  One afternoon I whipped my camera out in the setting sun and took some snaps. It reminded me of how I would like to get a proper camera someday.

I could have uploaded a pretty flower picture I took, but instead,
to keep it real, here is my little sister's pet goat eating said flowers.

- Learn to braid my hair properly (let's be honest, this will take me at least 10 years)

- Make and decorate cupcakes  I completed this one with my little siblings! :)

- Listen to "The Light in the Piaza" (musical)  I listened to the entire thing over 2 days, and enjoyed it! It wasn't quite as enthralling as I'd anticipated but it was sweet. 

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And now let's address the elephant in the room... my lack of consistency and presence in the blogosphere of late. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but let's just say, switching from a 16 hour working week to a 38 hour working week has not been a walk in the park for me. And also, I'm silly enough to think I can still keep up with everything else I do (dance lessons, singing lessons, Bible studies, social events etc). I can't begin to explain how much I miss reading and playing the piano and having time to read and write blog posts, but they were just the activities that were left behind in the dust.

December is already here, though, (whaaat) so I will be getting some time off work, which I am Most Excited About. I do hope to catch up on some blog posts then (hopefully even create a little pile of drafts I can publish when life picks up its speed again?) and be less of a Ghost of Christmas Past phantom in the shadows. (Ok, can you tell I'm working on some Phantom songs with my singing teacher and I'm currently still in the operatic mood? ;)) 

So, to sum up my messy 'life update': I am excited to spend a bit more time on here during my Christmas break (in between Christmas baking, playing games with family, wrapping presents and dancing to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas", naturally) and we'll see how it goes from there. I have SO many plans and dreams and ideas for 2021, but I genuinely have no idea which of those shall become a reality or which shall remain my favourite daydreams to ponder while I'm trying to go to sleep at night. If I had my way, I would fulfill all of my aspirations for the new year and would get so busy and burnt out that I would probably delete all social media accounts and hibernate under my pillow for a week, so I'm currently still tweaking what I want to prioritize (which is proving devastatingly difficult). I make no promises as to what will happen with my dear little blog next year, but I always hope for the best, and I have no wish to neglect it so poorly as I have done. But if I have learnt anything this year, it is that my plans do not mean anything if they are not in line with God's. 

It's so lovely to be back and I can't wait to talk to you all again soon! *blows kisses*