Look Behind You

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I've had it on my heart of late to write something that will speak to people who are feeling tired right now. Not just in the physical sense, but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

Is it just me, or does this time of year sometimes feel discouraging, when we look back and realize we didn't accomplish everything we set out to do at the start of the year? I know this year has restricted SO many of us in our plans, and I can relate to the disappointment and frustration that wells up. Initially, I thought 2020 had held me back on the experiences and knowledge and opportunities I thought I needed to pursue the life I wanted to live. It frustrated me that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make it happen. 

Yeah, you could say I'm a bit of a control freak. ;)

After complaining about the lack of opportunities, I finally was given an answer to prayer that I had waited two years for; a job as a receptionist. I was so blessed to be given a lovely workplace, colleagues, and work that I loved, and yet still things weren't perfect. Why?

Because I was terrified. I knew absolutely nothing about the job or the field of work (other than completing some certificates while in school and doing some data entry at other workplaces), and there were unbelievable amounts of information to learn. I was told it would take 6 months before I would even get a grip on things, perhaps longer. I hated feeling inadequate, like I wasn't giving anything to the team, or even worse, I was 'letting other people down' by making mistakes. (Yes, I've been working on getting a healthier mindset. ;)) 

It's a genuine struggle to persist at something you're not very good at. That you're totally clueless about. Especially when surrounded by a room full of people who seem to have it all together. 

The first couple weeks I had to keep telling myself not to quit, it would get easier. And then I would pray,

"Oh, Lord, PLEASE let it get easier."

A few weeks passed, and I still found it overwhelming. This time, I prayed a little different:

"Lord, please show me your presence strongly today. I need to know you are right there beside me. Please whisper in my ears when my hands are shaking and my stomach is churning. Remind me of your faithfulness in the past, and help me to trust in you again. I forget so easily, Lord."

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That day, I had the best work day I'd ever had at my new job. All nerves flew away, I was confident and eager to start my shift, and I had colleagues remark to me and say I seemed like I'd gotten so much more comfortable and confident in just a week, or even a day; that I was doing really well.

I wish I could say every work day was like that, but they weren't. There were some hard ones. There were some easier ones. It wasn't the work or the workplace so much as my own anxieties and pressure I had placed upon myself. A perfectionist mindset. The desire to please everyone. The idea that I could learn it all perfectly and quickly, only having to be taught once. (Yeah, that's cute, Gabby.)

While I was driving to work during one of the harder weeks, God reminded me of something:

"Look behind you."

So I looked behind - not at my rear-view mirror, but at my past. I had felt this scared before, when I first started work at my café job, back when I was in school. The people I worked with were perfectly lovely, and the role itself was not very hard. But man, was I scared. Absolutely terrified. Anxiety can take many different forms, but I do believe I had my own battle with it during those times. And yet, two years on, I feel very capable at my café job, and it gives me confidence in knowing that I am capable of doing at least one job well. I have come SUCH a long way, and yet it's so easy to forget. Without a second thought, I just assumed that this time around it was going to be different.

And you know, I let myself take it a step further. I asked what if?

What if my greatest fears actually took place? What if I failed miserably at my job? What if people were disappointed in me? What if I let the team down? And deep down, the one nagging at me...

... what if I messed up so bad, that I came into work one day and found out I had lost my new, precious job? 

Fear clouded my thoughts (and they still can, if I'm not constantly fighting those lies). I tend to place a lot of worth in my performance and what I can do for others, so if I am not able to give even half the amount that everyone else is giving, I feel so worthless and ashamed. 

So again, I brought this to my Heavenly Father and cried out to him with my deepest fears that had been ripping my peace apart and breaking my sleep and leaving me broken.

And tenderly, oh so tenderly, he reminded me yet again.

Gabby. Even if your deepest fears were realized, even if the absolute WORST happened, you still have everything you need. Even if you lose your job and you are filled with shame and disappointment, there is still hope. Because you have me. And that is all you'll ever need. You can lose all of it and still you cannot gain anything greater than what you already have. Everything you need is right here, and it's not going away. I will never go away. I will never leave you or lose you. There is always hope, because I AM.

And dear friend, it was as if all my fears melted away. The mountain I thought was blocking my path was actually just a little ant-hill that I could step over, because I had been lying flat on the ground, paralyzed with fear and unable to see with a clear perspective.

 Even if you lose 'everything', you still have all you will ever need, in Him. He is our Provider, our Comforter and our Protector. He isn't just with you on the days where you could shout for joy because of His many blessings, He is also with you on the days when you cry into your pillow every night for weeks on end. 

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You may be scratching your head, at the end of this, wondering how this applies AT ALL to end of year disappointments and feelings of exhaustion?

Simply because of this:

2020 was NOT how I pictured it and it ruined so many incredible dreams and aspirations that I had cherished for a long time, but it did not ruin my life. Not even close. What I thought I needed this year was about stage 3 in a process where I hadn't even gotten past the intro. God needed to do a lot of heart work within me this year, and He sure did. I did not survive this year (or starting this new job) because I'm so adaptable and perfect, but only and purely because of relying on God's strength and peace. 

It's still easy to look at this year and be disappointed with the dashed hopes, but remember that God doesn't waste anything. He gives you everything you need, even if sometimes that doesn't look like what you think it will. You can push through it because God's power is greater than our weakness. Remember that He is faithful. Remember that He always has been. Remember that He always will be. Remember that we have all we need when we have God's grace. 

And to close, I would like to write out some song lyrics that I really love and which I reflected over a lot during those difficult weeks. In the what if scenario that I would lose my job, I realized that my life would still go on. My family would still be there, music would still be there, the birds whistling in the trees would still be there, and God would still be there.

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"If the sky falls down and the river floods

All we got is all we want

The moon still pulls the ocean

My head still fits your shoulder

Long as vinyl records still make you dance

As long as there's a bigger plan

And every day is new

All I need is the grace of God and you."

("Grace of God and You", by Clare Bowen)